Wendy Huang

Conversation with God following lectio divina of John 20:1-18

In this passage, Mary asked twice – “where have you taken him?” and offered to take him away herself. This last part struck me as surprisingly humorous because – seriously? How was she going to personally do that? Ah, but in the 2nd reading, the phrase, “take him away” caused my tears to flow because hasn’t that been my experience? Haven’t you been taken from me, not to mention other things dear to me? And wouldn’t I do anything to have those back?

And then the ironic twist – that the very person she thought had taken away Jesus’ body was himself – but living. Have I been grieving for a dead thing, mourning and trying to hold onto a life that is now past instead of seeing the living person (and future possibilities) before me? I catch glimpses here and there, but I still haven’t received a confirmation of where I’m supposed to go, what direction to take – like the simple directions given by Jesus. And why couldn’t she hold onto him? Because he didn’t belong to her. No matter her passion and dedication – he had been transformed and she would need to transform her view as well as her relationship to him.

In my earlier notion of faith, Jesus’ death was always the emphasis – because it is deemed as the path to salvation. But what if in this second phase of my life, you want to transform my perspective, and along with it, my experience and relationship with God? What if it is a decreased emphasis on the past, on the cross, and instead the next stage – the Christ that we can’t hold onto, that belongs to the world, and whose immanent presence is a mystery? You have left the body that died and was taken away. “Have you taken him away?” Perhaps the answer is yes. And I can’t have the old Jesus back. And I can’t have my old life back.

The process of grief ends in acceptance, which is not the same as resignation – but a need to reconcile what appears to be contradictions, and dissonance.

Who is the living Christ? How will I recognize him?

[ back to Stained Glass Gallery ]